Are you there, Mr Hewlett?
by Spyder1070
Summary: Just a bit of fun, that was inspired by "Muds sex tape."
1. Are you there, Mr Hewlett?

Jamie is sitting at home one evening, when his phone suddenly begins to ring. He leans across his desk and picks it up, looking at the number displayed before answering.

"Murdoc?!" he mutters to himself quizzically. He shrugs and answers it, wondering what the demonic, old, cartoon bassist, could possibly want.

"Jamie! Jah, Jamieee? Err, no. Wait issss, Jeramy isn', iss, n't it? Heh, heh. Whoops, ahhh, drop, dropped mah, my thing. _**(The sound of something crashing, quickly followed by the sound of the phone being dropped, as Murdoc grumbles inaudibly to himself. There is a slight pause, followed by the sound of Murdoc's voice from a distance.)**_ Now, lis, lis, listen.... err? Hang on? Where did the bloody phone go? _**(The sound of rustling and bottles clinking together.)**_ Ahhh, there you are. Now, ahem. Jah, Jamery. Mate, maaaate. Listen okay? Coz right? I, I, I have thisss, this thing. It's a good thing and I want tah, tah give it to someone. No, but it's alright you know. Yeah. Coz I went to the eh, clinic, and they said it would clear up in no time....? Wait? Mah, maybe I shouldn't of told you that? Look! Jah, just shuddup a minute, and stah, stop messin' about. I'm sah, serious, right? I have this ah, ah, other thing. It's sort of a dinner, lunch, breakfast piece of crrrraaaap and...? No it's snot? Buuuut it is? No. Dah, does, doesn't matter. Bah, bah, but I want to take that girl. The one with that tank thing... waah, wasser name? _**(The sound of breaking glass.)**_Ah fuck! Stabbed meself. Tank! Thing, girl...? Tank Girl. Her! You did her or some rubbish? Look, I, I, I want her phone number, so I can drag her to tha, tha, this piece of crappo do. And I won't even haffta come over to yer house, and set fire to anythin'. You know? _**(The sound of someone knocking on Murdoc's door.)**_Wha? Oh fuck oooooff. I'm on the bloody phone. Wah, wait a minute. Wait dah, David. I just have, have to... **(**_**The sound of the phone being dropped again, followed by Murdoc's footsetps and a door being opened.) (In the distance.)**_ "Wha? Who the bloody Hell are you? _**(Pause.)**_ Good news? _**(Pause.)**_ Do I look like a Christian to you? _**(The sound of someone being punched, and a door slamming. Footsteps returning, and the phone being picked up again.)**_ "Sah, sorry bout that luv. There wah, was a moron at the door. S'ok, he's gone now. Luv! Today is yer lucky day. Coz right, Mah, Murdoc Nicaals has an offer you can't re, re, refuse. I wah, wanna take you to this thing wotsit, and yer gunna haffta bring yer tank. Coz listen, right. I reckon it's gunna be crap, shit... Just yeah, total shhhhhhit. But later we, we, we can go down town... maybe to London? I'm not promising anything. And just blow some shit up. Just, just blow it up! Then right, yeah, yeah! Then, waheeee, can go to Wimble, wimb, wim, wimble... Womble? Wombledon Common. And yah see, that, that idiot Orinoco bastard! I'm, I'm, I told him! I did. I sssaid it, and he just didn't listen. No. Didn't listen. It's been two days now, and I'm not going to wait anymore. Just have to do it I'm afraid. But don't worry luv, there'll be plenty of Womble steaks fer everybody. Ferget the kangaroo luv! Just you, me and the tank. It'll be great. Trust me, I'm a Satanist."

"What exactly are you planning to do to the Womble, Murdoc?" Jamie finally manages to ask. There's a very long pause before Murdoc finally speaks again.

"Who the bloody Hell is this?!" he screeches down the phone at Jamie.

"Jamie Hewlett." the cartoonist answers calmly, placing his elbow on the desk and propping his chin up with the heel of his palm.

"Look mate! If you don't stop ringing and harassing me with yer daft questions? Ehhh, I don't think wombles will be high on yer list of problems, right!?"

The sound of the phone being slammed down in the cartoonist's ear, makes him flinch a little, but he still can't help breaking out in a huge smile. He looks at the phone for a moment before hanging up.

"I've created a monster." he chuckles. And switching off his lamp, he stands up, and heads off to bed.


	2. Calling Damon Albarn

Damon is in his home studio, going over some tracks he'd laid down for the new Gorillaz album. When his mobile starts to ring. He ignores it at first, but it's persistent buzzing starts to grate on his nerves, so he leans over and finally picks it up. At first he listens to the sound of voices and the chink of glass, filtering it's way through the phone, before he finally says something to the unknown caller.

"Look, I can't talk to you now. I'm..." he hurriedly begins to say.

"Damon mate! How, how are things?" a gravely voice asks. Damon strains hard to hear, but finds it difficult with all the noise in the background at the callers end.

"Err, Phil? Is that you?" Damon asks, after a few seconds more thought, coming to the conclusion that the voice belonged to his friend and associate, Phil Cornwell. He leans back in his chair and rests his sneakered feet on the mixing desk.

"Err? Ahem, yeah? Yeah. Course it is." The voice replies, with just a hint of nervousness. Damon smiles and scratches at his five o'clock shadow.

"Look mate, you're gunna haffta speak up a bit, I can barely hear you. Lot of noise your end?" he half chuckles.

"Ohhh, right. Yeah mate, I'm err? At a friends party. Lots of booze, and err, stuff. You don't know them though. Ahem. Is that better?" the caller adds a little louder.

"Yeah, a bit. So how can I help you?" Damon asks, picking up a pencil and turning it over and over in his fingers.

"Help me? Weeell, that's nice. Eh, actually I was ringing to ask the same thing of you. Err? Jamie rang you see." the voice replies. Damon furrows his brow and stops playing with the pencil, sitting up a little in the chair.

"Oh? Um, I'm not sure I follow you?

"Yeah, yeah. Jamie rang and ahh, sounded a bit concerned. Said something I eh, I couldn't quite make out. Coz of all the crying. Something about an accident?" the voice replies, a little icily, but full of enough concern to make Damon drop his feet back to the floor, and stand up.

"Accident?!" Damon snaps sharply, his mind filled with dread. "Wot accident? Is Jamie alright?"

"Yeah, your accident. He blubbered something about having to get 2D a new singing voice, because you'd gotcher nutsack stapled to a table. Owed some money to the Yakuza, or some crrrap? Sorry to hear it mate. Mind you, you sound fine to me? By the way, what sort of a table was it?" the voice responds with just the slightest hint of a chuckle. Damon grits his teeth and grips the pencil so tightly in his fingers, that it snaps.

"He said wot?! I... I'll" Damon snarls angrily, through tightly clenched teeth.

"Yeah, that's what he told me. You know, he did sound a little drunk. Bah, but it was hard to tell. What with all the crying. You might wanna head over there, he sounded a little suicidal." the voice adds quickly with a subtle hiss. The phone suddenly goes dead, and the caller looks down at the droning receiver.

"That should stir things up a bit, heh, heh." Murdoc sneers, as he slowly drops the receiver back in it's cradle. Plunging his hands deeply into his trouser pockets, he saunters back across the pub and takes his place back amongst his friends at the bar, ordering himself another drink.


	3. Where all the Demons hide

Murdoc is asleep in his Winnie, muttering and giggling something about Tank Girl, when he's jolted awake by a very peculiar sound.

"Eh? Err, ah, what?" he groans, sitting up awkwardly. He opens his eyes and notices that it's pitch dark in the wagon. So dark in fact, he's not quite sure he has opened his eyes, and tries to open them wider. But quickly finds there's no change. "Ah fuck! Must'a blown a fuse...? Or some....., shhhhhhit. Utter bollocks." he groans and mutters angrily to himself, as he gropes around his bedside table for his mobile. After a while he finally locates it, and switches it on, taking note of the time. 3:45am.

"3:45! Oh fer fuck's sake. Stupid fuse.... arse." he snarls angrily, using the light from his mobile, to search the floor for his Cubans. Pulling them on he adjusts his underpants, and stomps his way down towards the Winnie's side door. Along the way he bumps into the zombie lady, who makes a quick protective grab for her doll. Murdoc stops and shines the mobile from the doll to her face, looking the jittery creature up and down incredulously.

"Moron." he mutters, shaking his head and continuing on his way past. She slowly turns, still clutching her dripping doll, watching the old man fumble his way to the door. Habitually he reaches for the handle, somehow instinctively feeling he's in the right location, without having to check, but only finds wall. So the old man slides his hand further along, hoping to locate the edge of the door frame. But after a while, he still continues to find wall. Giving in with a grumble, he shines the mobile at the toilet wall, and tracks it's path along to where the door should be. To his horror, he finds that his door seems to of completely vanished.

"Haaaaaaaang on!?" quickly he shines the mobile all around the interior of the Winnie. In the dim blue light, he quickly discovers that it's not only the side door that has gone, but the drivers side door, and all the windows as well. "Huh? What the bloody...? Who the fuck has stole me windows! No wonder it's so dark in here." he suddenly turns on the zombie lady, shining the mobile back in her direction. "What did you do!?" he screeches. She flinches and bodily turns away from him, cradling over her doll and smoothing down it's hair. Suddenly the mobile starts to ring, so Murdoc instantly answers it.

"Hello, hello! I've been robbed! Burgled! Mugged in my bed. Some swine, has eh, absconded with my windows..., and my door! Wait! Yes, and my hatch to. RRRRRight, now grab a pen and wrrrite this down!" he splutters angrily down the phone.

"Allo Murdoc, you horrible little cartoon fiend you." answers a very calm and familiar voice. Murdoc pauses and slowly takes the phone from his ear, looking down at it carefully as he thinks. Slowly he returns it to his ear again.

"Errr, Hello? Who is this?" he calmly asks, still not sure who the person is on the other end.

"Us!" two voices state firmly down the phone at him. "Jamie and Damon." Murdoc flinches just a little and quickly darts his eyes around the pitch black room, thinking.

"Ohhh. Heh, heh. Hi." he finally answers them, just a little sheepishly. "Look, I'd love to stay and chat with you both, bah, but I'm having a little difficulty here. Ahem, you see..." he begins to explain again, but Jamie cuts him off.

"Yeah, we know. Isn't it amazing what an eraser and a pencil can do?" he chuckles. Murdoc snaps his mouth shut so quickly, his teeth come together with a menacing click. Both men listen to the absolute silence on Murdoc's end for a moment, wondering if the old man had heard what Jamie had said. Suddenly the phone seems to explode with rage. Obscenities and vile threats, pouring down the line and roaring into the room around them. Jamie holds the phone at an arms length away from them both, almost startled by some of the things the bassist is screaming at them. Suddenly it stops.

"Oh fuck. Look, my battery's running down, and I left my charger in the first floor kitchen. Yes, it was funny. Hah, haaa. Games over now, just gimme back my door you bastard, so I can go get it!" Murdoc snaps, his voice still oozing with vile anger.

"Um, no. We've both decided that you need a little time off. Just a couple of days. So you just sit back, relax, and think about what you did. OK?" Damon replies with a chuckle.

"Fuck you Albarn! You can't tell me what to do!" the old man snaps back with a growl.

"No. But I can. So behave. It's just for a couple of days Muds. Don't get so worked up about it." Jamie calmly responds. There's silence for a moment, before Murdoc answers back.

"Looooook, I was just messing about. No harm done. I'll fergive you both, if you just gimme mack my door. Now! Okaaay?" he replies calmly. Jamie can hear the quiet threat in the old bassist's voice, and doesn't believe him for a second. He turns and looks at Damon, and both men shake their heads.

"No." Murdoc hisses and swears again, looking at the battery meter flashing urgently at him. He finally gives in and sighs.

"Fiiiine. This fridge better be fully stocked. Otherwise the snap back fer yer shenanigans here, will be monumental. That's all I have to say." he manages, just as the phone suddenly dies out. Jamie and Damon giggle, as the cartoonist hangs up the phone.

"I actually believe him you know?" Jamie smiles.


	4. The future, is coming on

Murdoc is laying quietly on his bed, in the candle lit Winnie, drinking a bottle of Scotch. He slips the bottle between his thighs, and reaches beside the bed for a cigarette, eventually finding one and lighting it, he leans back on the pillow and slowly blows out a long smokey sigh. He wasn't quite sure how long he'd been stuck in the windowless, wagon now. But given that Jamie had at least been nice enough to leave him a fully stocked supply of booze, and had refreshed his porn stash, the old man hadn't been found it to be too bad. He did know he needed to replace the light bulbs, so the experience had actually taught him something. And decided that, that was possibly one of the first few things he'd do once he was released, getting Jamie and Damon back had top priority though, but he didn't want to think about that just yet.

"That's a thought fer later. Ain't it Miss Shakes-a-lot!" he calls down to the zombie lady. She looks up at him and grimaces, not sure if she's suppose to smile or not, but finds the bassist isn't even looking at her. She turns back to her doll and continues washing it, as Murdoc adjusts the pillow he's propped on the wall and leans back.

So far things had gone as he'd expected. Until this bit had jumped up and bitten him anyway. But he knew even the greatest minds couldn't possibly predict everything, and wasn't too bothered by it. As long as it wasn't interfering with any of his more important schemes, the bassist could afford to ignore it. He'd known 'Bananaz' would get a lot of attention, but felt it needed a Niccals touch. He'd done that by letting people think he hated it, starting a petition to have it banned, and eventually 'hijacking' Ceri's 'Facebook' page, and arguing with the man about the films content. Making sure that people continued to believe he hated it, he'd gotten a lot of attention not just for himself, but the film as well. But that wasn't the only reason for that outburst, he had the whole thing planned from the first moment 'Bananaz' was advertised. He wanted money, and Ceri was the man he'd targeted to give it to him. All he needed was to set the mood, and give him something to focus on. Eventually he would have had to look like he'd caved in, but didn't want to let it look like he'd done that easily. The answering machine message was a work of pure genius.

"Just a pity no one realized, or would ever know that." he sighs, slipping the bottle from between his thighs and taking another swig. He smacks his lips loudly and looks at the cigarette in his hand, taking one last drag before butting it out in the overfull ashtray. "Pure fuckin' genius."

The fact that Ceri thought what he had about that answering machine message, proved to Murdoc the guy could not of possibly been paying any attention to anyone but Jamie and Damon, throughout the whole time he'd been filming. _'My fans reacted more or less how I expected. They loved me, and urged me to get that idiot. Heh, heh. Silly producer, they were my fans after all, ya moron.' _Of course Murdoc had to make it look just right again, when he hit the guy up for the money. The 'sex tape' was the next phase of his plan. He licks his lips with the tip of his long snake-like tongue, and almost seems to purr. Once again Ceri thinks he has one over on him.

"Foolish little man." he chuckles, and downs the last trickle of Scotch from the bottle. "Oi! Toss me a beer Shakey." he calls to the zombie lady. She snaps her head around to look in his direction, catching the empty Scotch bottle as he throws it to her, and setting it next to the other empty bottles beside the sink. She opens the refrigerator and takes out a beer, standing up and tossing it back to the old man's waiting hands. He cracks it open and gulps down almost half of the beverage, then slides the bottle between his thighs and leans back again, scratching at the stubble on his chin with a long talon. Murdoc knew what he was doing, and Ceri was just another puppet on a string to the old man, moving and reacting exactly how he'd expected him to. _'Oh if only people knew how masterful this whole plan was. I am. I'm a bloody genius.'_

Suddenly the large back window beside Murdoc's bed, reappears. The old man squints and shades his eyes for a moment, a little dazzled by the bright light. He and the zombie lady watch as the rest of the windows, the hatch, and finally the doors, appear back in their proper places. Murdoc quietly finishing his beer as they do so, while the zombie lady seems to become even more nervous with every items sudden materialization. He watches her jerky movements for a moment, before turning his attention to the side table, and watching a fresh packet of cigarettes appear out of thin air. He slightly tips his head to one side and turns his eyes to the ceiling, with a sneering half smile, and mouths the silent words 'thank you.' Then slides a cigarette out of the pack and lights it. Although he was happy his enforced holiday was over, he had no intention of going to any lengths to show Jamie or Damon any gratitude. The simple mouthed 'thank you' was already more than enough than they deserved. At least in the bassist's opinion. And of course now that he was free, he had every intention of making sure they didn't forget his true feelings for them.

Slowly the old man slides his legs around to the side of the bed, and places his feet on the floor, thinking quietly and deliberately about the many things he could do to them. Damon he had no real concerns about. Apart from being 2D's singing voice, Murdoc felt he had no real need for him. It was Jamie that made the bassist cringe. He did have a need for the cartoonist, at least for now. So anything he did to the man had to be planned and executed, with as much emphasis on consideration as tolerable. The last couple of days stood as testament to why. He had no intention of backing down, but he did have to tread carefully.

Sliding on his trousers and Cubans, he heads to the toilet and hums quietly to himself as he empties his bladder, going over one plan after another. But nothing really seems to stand out as the right one. _'Need a bit more time for this I think?' _ He sighs and does up his zipper, stepping quickly to the side door, and with a grand flourish, opening it and jumping out into the car park with a huge grin. He quickly looks around to be sure he's alone, and chuckles to himself. Dropping straight back into the more familiar Murdoc Niccals mode, as he shuts the Winnie's door. Although people knew Murdoc was a nasty minded individual, the bassist reveled in the idea, that they had no clue as to how evil he truly was. Predominantly because they tended to go by the attitude he put forward to them. Only once had he lost control and showed them his true self. That had resulted in Russel knocking him out, and the band splitting up for a while. But the 'Demon Days' album had come out of it in the end, so it wasn't all bad. And no one seemed to of clued in on Murdoc, so he took that as a good omen, and made sure to keep his anger in check around 2D from that moment on. He clears his throat and plunges his hands into his pockets, sloping off for a long walk and a think.

On the way he bumps into 2D, who shocked in his sudden reappearance, talks excitedly about the disappearance of the Winnie's doors and windows. Murdoc rolls his eyes and presses on, trying to ignore the younger man, almost seeming to bounce around him like an excited puppy. He certainly didn't need 2D's ramblings right now, and wished the keyboardist would go away. But he knew it was to be expected, 2D just wasn't kind of person who had the mind to know when Murdoc didn't need his attention. He turns his head slightly to the young man and clicks his tongue.

"I ehhh, have no idea what yer yappin' about. Vanished? Ridiculous. You've been hallucinating again, haven't you?" he grumbles. He had no intention of admitting to anyone, that Jamie had any kind of power over him, it was bad enough that he knew it. But 2D could never know. And if anyone ever found out and tried to tell the keyboardist, Murdoc would make sure that was a meeting the person wouldn't keep. His status with the younger man was to be maintained at all cost. _'All cost!' _He watches the keyboardist tapping his finger against his bottom lip, as he tries to think about what the old man had said, waiting for him to just give up and take him at his word. Finally 2D looks up at him.

"Oh. Sorry." Murdoc sighs and watches the young man for a moment, hoping this would be the last he hears of it. "I woz real sure though. Coz I..." the keyboardist suddenly adds, furrowing his brow as he's thinking about it. The bassist feels the rage explode in him, and rounds on him aggressively, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pulling his fist back as if to punch him.

"Look you! I'm tired and annoyed, so I don't need yer idiotic ramblings. I told you, eh, you hallucinated it. So kindly shut the fuck up, and leave me alone. Okaaaaaay?" he screeches, fighting to keep himself from beating the younger man to death there and then. 2D stares wide eyed at the savage bassist, nodding rapidly. Murdoc hisses and lets him go again, hoping that 2D would be smart and stay quiet about the _'vanishing windows.'_ The old man storms off and away from the cringing young man. Fortune strikes, if only for 2D, and he changes the subject, not mentioning the Winnie again. '_Now if only he'd shut up about everything else.'_ Murdoc groans silently, staring ahead as he walks along, listening to the babbling keyboardist next to him, and wishing he was temporarily deaf.

The next morning, Murdoc rises early and loads a briefcase into a car. A plan had finally fallen into place, and he felt it was more than enough to get the message across. Keeping things in check of course, and remembering to _'do it with a smile'_, he knew it was not so bad, as to anger Jamie enough to punish him any further. He pulls the car into the car park at ZFE, and quietly sneaks into the almost empty building. Listening to the cleaning lady and keeping out of sight, as he watches and waits for her to leave Jamie's office, so he can get in there and do what he'd come to do. Finally she does, and the bassist makes his move. Twenty minutes later he re-emerges, taping a hand written notice to his door, and leaving again before everyone else begins to arrive. The hand written note reads, **'Out of Order.'**

Just before 10:00am, Murdoc receives a phone call from a slightly annoyed Jamie.

"Well, I guess I should of expected it. Shouldn't I?" he snarls. Murdoc chuckles and nods, although Jamie can't see him. Keeping things aggressive but light, so the cartoonist doesn't become too angry with him.

"Yeaaaaah." he drawls. "Has err, Wotsisface seen it yet?" Murdoc asks with a cold evil grin, sliding his snaky tongue over his shark-like teeth.

"No. And I'm not going to indulge you in it either. By the time Damon gets here, it'll be all cleaned up. By the way Muds, I think your drawing skills are improving?" Jamie replies. The smile drops from Murdoc's face, and he slits his eyes angrily.

"Don't patronize me with yer gratulatory arse kissing, you ponce. I don't need yer approval." he snarls viciously, forgetting who he was speaking to for the moment. Suddenly it hits him and he catches his breath. "Buuuut I'm sure Damon would love it. It was a present you know? My way of thanking you both, ehhh, for my holiday. Take a photo at least, I'd really like to know what he thinks of my artistic flair." he tries to maintain his lighter mood, but Jamie's words had more bite than he'd expected, and he can't help but add that little extra punch. "As fer the rest, go fuck yerself Hewlett! It's gunna take more than that to impress me." Murdoc hisses, almost to himself.

"One thing though, I just have to know?" Jamie asks, snapping Murdoc out of mentally kicking himself for letting Jamie affect him like that. "Along the back wall, that huge picture you spray painted?" Murdoc grins, hearing that the tone of Jamie's voice was still calm annoyance. He had read him right after all, and didn't need to check himself for this. Jamie was going to let it slide.

"Heh, heh. I do have to admit that was my favorite. Though I did think the one on the back of yer door had more prominence,.... Should of swapped them really." he smiles with a slight yawn and begins studying his talons, suddenly quite bored with the conversation.

"Yeahhh." Jamie slurs with irritation. "But back to the other picture. It was a bit hard to tell who was who? Was it a picture of me mounting Damon, or the other way around?" Murdoc suddenly brightens up again and laughs, irritating Jamie further.

"Who cares. I think either way you get the picture. Riiight?" Murdoc hisses.

"Right, right. Oh! And thank you for shitting in my paper draw. That was a lovely touch." Jamie snarls. Murdoc chuckles softly again, and hitches up his trousers.

"Impressive hey? I can do that on cue you know? Takes real talent that. Anyway, I have stuff I gotta do, and although talking to you is one of the highlights of my day, (sarcastic cough) I have to gooooooo. Have fun clearing up, won't you?" Murdoc sneers and hangs up. He's about to open the door of the Winnie and step inside, when he's struck by an after thought, and smiles evilly at it.

"I wonder how long it will be, before he realizes I pissed in the water cooler as well? Heh, heh."


End file.
